The Finest Wines

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

ENRITH TEA ROOMS - DAY

A sedate, old-school tea mom. A doorbell tinging heralds the arrival of Withnail and Marwood: Marwood sits down at a table. Wrthnail, still standing, points to the table and addresses an elderly waitress, Miss Blennerhassit.

Withnail: Alright here?

Miss Blennerhassit What do you want?

Withnail: Cake. Alright here?

Miss Blennerhassit No. We're closing in a minute.

Withnail: We're leaving in a minute.

He sits down at the table and makes a rather perfunctory examination of the menu.

Withnail: We want cake and tea.

An elderly man - who we learn later is the - comes across to their table.

The Proprietor Didn't you hear her? She said she'd closed. What do you want in here?

Withnail: Cake. What's it gotto do with you?

The Proprietor I happen to be the proprietor. Now, would you leave?

Withnail: Ah, I'm glad you're the proprietor. I was going to have to have a word with you anyway. We're working on a film up here. Locations, see? We might want to do a film in here.

The Proprietor: You're drunk.

Marwood: Just bring out the cakes.

Withnail: Cake and fine wine.

Miss Blennerhassit If you don't leave we'll call the police.

Withnail: Balls! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here, and we want them now.

The Proprietor: Miss Blennerhassit. telephone the police.

Marwood breaks off from munching bread rolls but hasn't quite emptied his mouth.

Marwood: Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you. if you do. you're fired. We are multi-millionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately.

Withnail: Yes, we'll buy this place and install a fucking jukebox In here. (Laughs) Liven all you stiffs up a bit.

The Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith Tea Rooms and we want them removed.

The Proprietor moves off.

Marwood: We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires.

The Proprietor Hurry up Mabs. we'll keep them here until they arrive.

She starts to dial.

Withnail: You won't keep us anywhere. (Outside, we hear a car honk and pull up.) We'll buy this place and have It knocked down.

Marwood: It's alright, il's alright. Our car has arrived.

Miss Blennerhassit: Police, please.

Marwood: It's alright. We're going. Our car has arrived.

He pulls back a curtain to reveal that indeed their car has arrived, in the form of Monty in the Rolls. They get up and Marwood staggers out the door.

Withnail: We'll be back. We're coming back in here.

He tries to lean on a conveniently placed post but misses and staggers a bit. He points meaningfully at the various customers as he leaves, shutting his coat in the door.