Author: West, Lindy
Date published: June 10, 2010
Journal code: STRR
Oddly enough, the powers that be did not host a Marmaduke press screening before opening day last Friday. Now, I know what you're thinking-"OH MY BABY JESUS IN HEAVEN, THEY DIDN'T?!"-and I would appreciate it if you would tone down the sarcasm, rhetorical telepathic conversation partner inside my head-universe. You dick. So anyway, this morning I paid nine American dollars to watch Marmaduke in a completely empty movie theater. I live-tweeted the experience. Here's what went down:
Marmaduke has a "new leash on life." Make a note of it.
Spoiler alert: Marmaduke wins the surfi ng contest.
Spoiler alert: Marmaduke is outrageous.
Try to keep up: Everyone found out Marmaduke got GeorgeLopezCat to let Marmaduke beat him in a fi ght and now he is "Marmafake" and evil...
...Bosco is top dog again. Now Marmaduke is preparing to commit suicide.
Now Marmaduke is watching Old Yeller through a shop window in the rain. Hey, Marmaduke: THE DOG DIES AT THE END.
Shit. I am way behind on my Marmaduke portmanteaus. Gotta go take a Marmadump.
Oh no. Unless my ears are liars, that's Sam Elliott as the inscrutable "Chupadogra."
Judy Greer just told GeorgeLopezCat to "go eat your num-nums." They should release a director's cut that's just that scene.
"I can't take it anymore. I'm going to give him the tongue." Please, Marmaduke. This is a movie for the childish and infi rm.
"It doesn't matter if you're big or small, or a pedigree or a mutt. We're all just dogs." Yes. So kindly stop speaking English.
The tomboy dog just traded her lesbian bandanna for a womanly pink bow and Marmaduke is going to fuck her in the middle of the dog park.
Marmaduke is doing the robot to "What I Like About You." Wait for it... wait for it... FART. "MARMADUUUKE!!!"
An actual dog taking a dump > Marmaduke the comic strip > Marmaduke the movie > SATC2 > war (I believe in world peace).
Aaaaand the last line of the movie: "It never gets old."
Yes. I've heard literal dog feces smeared on celluloid has quite a long shelf life.