Hunting the Wild Twilight Cougar

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Publication: The Stranger
Author: Wyrmfire, Phoenix
Date published: August 19, 2010

Greetings, Lovers of the Nocturnal!

As you have undoubtedly heard, there is a misconception that "goths"-we melancholy children of the night-are unable to "score trim." UNTRUE! In fact, thanks to author Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, I and many goths like me are banging historic amounts of tail... cougar tail, that is! Join me, won't you, as I share my successful methods for "Hunting the Wild Twilight Cougar." The game is afoot!

Tip #1: Go Where the Cougars Are! Twilight cougars congregate in four places: (1) Outside Shoreline movie theaters in makeshift tent cities four days before the premiere of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. (2) On message boards such as "Twilight Moms," "The Cullen Crypt," "Bella and Jacob Forever," and "The Edward Plushie Club." (3) At home, alone, cleaning litter boxes. And (4) The Southcenter Barnes & Noble coffee shop. (Look for the ladies underlining sections of Breaking Dawn with glitter pens!)

Tip #2: Tone Down the Makeup a Smidge! Ordinarily, a goth's aesthetic depends heavily on eyeliner and black lipstick. Dial it back a bit, and paint those lips a rosy red, la Edward! Think "anemic weakling" rather than "ghoulish freak."

Tip #3: Choose Your Opening Lines Carefully! Twilight cougars can be skittish, so approach with caution. Try to appear lost... slightly confused... perhaps reading a book of poetry. After three awkward attempts, slowly approach the cougar, sigh deeply, and say, "Darkness is so... intoxicating, don't you think?" Or, "Were I to live two centuries, I should never thirst for anyone as I thirst for you." Or, "Pardon me. My mother's Subaru Outback is in the parking lot. Would you like to fuck in it?"

Tip #4: Always Plan an Escape Route! When Twilight cougars get their claws in fresh young goth meat, they rarely let go. Luckily for you, this particular species thrives on disappointment and heartbreak! Try telling her you love her too much-that if you were to stay, you'd destroy her or yourself! Or rip open your shirt in agony and scream, "My very existence puts you in danger! I WILL NOT DAMN YOU TO AN ETERNITY OF NIGHT!" Then run as fast as your spindly legs will carry you.

In extreme cases, casually mention that Hot Topic has a new "Team Jacob" shirt on sale, size extra large.

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