ONE THOR'S OPINION: Editorial Commentary from Thor






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Publication: The Stranger
Date published: May 11, 2011

Forsooth! I am the Mighty Thor! God of Thunder! Odinson! Lord of Lightning and Storm! And miniature dollhouse hobbyist. (For verily, even the Warrior Prince of Asgard needeth a relaxing pastime!) As such, I recently cracked my trusty mini riveting hammer while driving a quarrelsome fi nishing nail into a tiny gable. "Know this, miniature Queen Anne Victorian!" I warned. "No matter how long it taketh, no matter the obstacles that blocketh the way, mine will shall grant me victory!" Thusly, I hastened to the #12 bus to embark on my voyage to Ace Hardware.

Upon arrival, I was greeted by the employee known as "Brian." "HEAR ME, BRIAN!" I declared. "By the bristling beard of Odin, fi ndeth me a new mini riveting hammer!" After summoning his cohort, "Todd," these frail humans observed me with illconcealed amusement. Brian then said unto me, "Umm don't you already, like, have a hammer?" "Yea, you speak of Mjolnir!" I agreed. "Verily! But that mightiest of weapons is for summoning lightning, smashing Skrulls, and opening transdimensional portals! It serveth poorly in the delicate task of dollhouse construction."

"Hear me, 'Thunder God'!" Todd replied. "Ace Hardware knows not this 'baby hammer' of which thou speaketh! SO SAYS TODD!" Verily, I knoweth sarcasm when I encounter it! "If thou doth not have a mini riveting hammer, why cannot thou just sayeth as mu-" I began, only to be rudely interrupted! "Mayest I interest thee in this hammer made of the magical metal 'ball peen'?" Brian sneered, holding said trinket aloft as he began running about his shop of hard wares. "By Heimdall's eyes!" Todd cried, "Verily, this ball-peen hammer has granted me the power of fl ight!"

"Minions of Ace Hardware! Get thee fucked," I declared, stomping away as gales of mortals' laughter lashed at my ears like the taunts of frost giants. Clambering back upon the #12, whilst taking care to keep my lustrous cape from catching in the door, I made a vow: A tiny hammer shall be found-be it at Hardwick's or via information gleaned from dollhouse hobbyist chat rooms! AND 'TIS THOR WHO SHALL SEE TO THE TASK!

For honor! For glor y! FOR ASGAAAAARD!

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