I (LOVE) TELEVISION(TM)






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Publication: The Stranger
Author: Humphrey, Wm Steven
Date published: May 25, 2011

IT'S A BRAND-NEW ME!

Okay, I think we can all admit that this past season of TV shows ate the b-hole out of a donkey. It LITERALLY was so bad, it LITERALLY asked a donkey if it could feast on its b-hole-because asking a donkey fi rst is the polite thing to do. Don't ask me how I know this. Anyway, the point is that when a TV season stinks, I sorta kinda stink, too. When left with nothing interesting to say, I often feel backed into a corner, and in a blind panic say unseemly things about the b-holes of donkeys.

That's why I'm SUPER excited about the NEW fall season of TV shows, and even more excited that you're going to see a brand-new "me." Those overly descriptive essays in which I compare certain TV shows to the interior of a syphilitic donkey's gastrointestinal system? GONE! The brandnew "me" will be pleasant, well mannered, informative, and practically devoid of any donkey-related obsessive behavior. As proof, here are a few 100 percent donkeyfree descriptions of some of the brandspankin'- new shows debuting this fall. Hee-haw! I mean... yahoo!

* Ringer (CW, Tuesdays this fall): Certainly you remember Sarah Michelle Gellar, previously seen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and, later, the unemployment line? Well, Sarah is back in a new Black Swan-ish drama/thriller in which she takes over the identity of her bitchy dead twin sis. Has Sarah's acting improved? NO, IT HASN'T! But that's okay, because this over-the-top soapy delight has more kick than a donkey caving in a farm boy's testicles... umm... make that "an ostrich." They kick, right?

* Hart of Dixie (CW, Mondays this fall): Speaking of out-of-work actresses, my 2005 crush of the year Rachel Bilson (formerly Summer from The O.C.) is the star of this fi sh-out-of-water story about a fancy-pantsy New York doctor who's forced to treat hillbillies in the toothless wilds of Alabama. Expect a plethora of overdressed Southern belles! Angry alligators! Brief love affairs with sweaty hillbilly hunks! Unexpected compassion for Dr. Rachel Bilson's patients! And-not because I'm obsessed with them or anything, because I'm not-a donkey or two. IT'S ALABAMA. (Donkeys are their SUVs.)

* Charlie's Angels (ABC, Thursdays this fall): A reboot of the classic sexpot cop show of the 1970s, this version sports three brand-new hotties (Annie Ilonzeh, Minka Kelly, and Rachael Taylor) who use their wicked secret-agent skillz to knock some violent, ass-beating sense into those nogood bad guys. YOU GO, GIRLS! (Especially in those teeny bikinis. Now, where exactly are you hiding the guns?)

* Terra Nova (Fox, Mondays this fall): The year is 2149! The problem? The earth eats donkey b-hole! (Dammit! Sorry.) A brave family leaves everything behind to create a new civilization in this CG-heavy drama that combines Land of the Lost, Avatar, and a heapin' helping of Jurassic Park, because-that's right!-their new home is infested with ass-chomping DINOSAURS. (This show will defi nitely not eat donkey b-hole, because... well, who wants to eat dinosaur b-hole?)

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