Author: Humphrey, Wm Steven
Date published: November 23, 2011
WHERE GOETH THOU, GRAVY?
Let me tell you a little about the insides of my stomach. Recently I took a trip to the southern United States, and I'm pretty sure they tried to poison me. WITH DELICIOUSNESS. "Poisoning via deliciousness" is an especially cruel and sneaky way of killing someone. Apparently word got around that I make fun of hillbillies... a lot... and while these Southern people acted very nice to my face, their sole intent was obviously to shovel delicious poison down my gullet until I collapsed under the weight of my own duodenum-with a small stream of gravy trickling from my anus.
Anyway! Luckily for you, those goddamn hillbillies didn't kill me with their neverending plates of barbecue ribs, banana pudding, red beans and rice, fried chicken, hush puppies, baked beans, potato salad, mac 'n' cheese, cornbread, fried pickles, mashed potatoes, and the accompanying boats of "trickling" gravy. But it was close. On the day I left the South, my blood pressure reading was 199 over 110-which most medical practitioners recognize as "legally dead." What those hillbillies didn't know is that I always carry a portable enema kit/ water cannon for just such an occasion. Two blasts later and BOOYAH! There's not a speck of fried chicken or pecan pie left in my colon, and I'm back to making off-color remarks about hillbillies, their kissin' cousins, and other various barnyard lovers.
Hmm... now, I'm sure I originally had a point to make... OH, YEAH! So the holiday eating season has offi cially begun, and it's not just the hillbillies who are trying to kill you. Your parents and relatives also want you to die-or at the very least become morbidly obese and develop adult-onset diabetes. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
May I suggest a healthful and weekly colonic of television? Whenever an evil, murderous friend or relative offers you a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, simply hold up your hand and squeal, "Get thee behind me, Satan! I'm watching Kourtney & Kim Take New York!" Or... you know... something good. Like the following:
* A Very Gaga Thanksgiving (ABC, Thurs Nov 24, 9:30 pm): This sounds AHMAY- ZING!! Lady Gaga teams up with veteran news anchor Katie Couric (!!) to perform a small concert for her friends and family (??), as well as a duet with Tony Bennett(!?). I hope they also feature Uncle Gaga in the background rolling his eyes and watching football.
* The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (CBS, Tues Nov 29, 10 pm): America's favorite mostly nude models prance around on stage dressed as mostly nude butterfl ies, birds, and angels-a constant, depressing reminder of the sex you will never have. Who can eat?!?
* Paula's Home Cooking (FOOD, Thurs Nov 24, noon): Southern cook and butter fi end Paula Deen devotes an entire disgusting episode to making fatty and deliciously deadly treats with Thanksgiving leftovers such as "Turkey Stroganoff," "Green Bean Casserole," and "Gravy Anal Leakage Soup." AUGHH! Pass the water cannon!!