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Let's assume you are trying to sell a hot new report about the wireless industry. You want folks to order this new report before Jan. 1 to get a sweet 20 percent "Pre-Publication Discount!" (Their exclamation point, not mine.) So here's the headline they used to really grab those readers and pull them in: "Growth and Future Direction for WPANs, WLANs and WMANs."

Even if you knew what WPANs and WLANs and WMANs were, do you have to use them in the headline? Would it really kill you to say wireless personal area networks (WPANs) instead? Or wireless local area networks (WLANs), or wireless metropolitan area networks (WMANs)? Or what about just calling it "Growth and Future Direction for Wireless Networks"? OMG, no, that's not possible. Because then it wouldn't be in the secret code so cherished by the geeky techno mafia.

We scanned the release and found some more puzzling material. Check this out: "This market study addresses IEEE 802.15 WPAN standards and technology; plus it also addresses the technology and standards developed by Bluetooth, Zigbee and WiMedia." So what does IEEE even stand for? And could there really be more than 800 WPAN standards and technology out there that we have absolutely no clue about? When did the IEEE even have time to approve all that?

We did finally get to some comforting material further down in the release that we actually understood. Here's the part I especially liked: "WPANs provide communications over very short distances. Low power and long battery life are its attributes."

Actually understanding anything in this release made me feel so much better. I am thinking now I might even drop the term WPANs casually in conversation. Perhaps while I am walking the dog.

This report also "addresses the mission of the associated WPAN alliances." That sounds like a plot summary for an upcoming George Lucas film, doesn't it?

OK, enough about this report from Information Gatekeepers Inc., Boston. So Dr. Hui Pan, even though you urge me to "Order the report NOW" at the very end of your release - I think I will have to pass.

At Technobabble, we particularly enjoy lambasting some of the more inventive names given to technology companies and their products. Often they smoosh (technical term) together words and stick an "i" or an "e" in front of the name. It's a technology thing. We got a release from this company called elQnetworks based in Acton, Massachusetts. Imagine your Microsoft® program fighting with you over the capitalization of that name.

Here's a little something about who/what they are: "elQnetworks is the only global provider of a unified situational awareness solution, serving the largest enterprises around the world including government, financial, telecommunications, retail and healthcare. The company's unified situational awareness platform, Secure Vue®, delievers an accurate, timely and coherent view of the threat, compliance and risk posture via a single console."

I like the single console idea. Get one for my iPad® and monitor the Taliban or something.

Apparently there is strong demand for situational awareness technology to fight against data breaches. elQnetworks Inc. saw its revenue grow by 48 percent during its most recent fiscal year. Vijay Basani, president and chief executive officer of elQnetworks, says SecureVue can be leveraged in the fight against "advanced threats like APTs and WikiLeaks." (Julian Assange - take that!)

I always like to look at the dateline when I get an incoming press release. So when I received one from Ghent-Lagos in early October, I just knew I had to read it. The main headline was kind of boring, but the subhead is what really caught my eye. (Honestly, it made me wonder Why am I receiving this press release? What possible mailing list could I be on?) The subhead reads: "Blueprint Business Technologies and FinArch sign Strategic Partnership and demonstrate strong customer win in Nigeria." Somewhat uneven capitalization, but I am intrigued, so I read on.

It quickly descends into the same familiar excesses so typical of press releases of all kinds, whether from continental Africa or elsewhere. The release quotes Saheed Alao, chief executive officer of Blueprint Business Technologies Limited, headquartered in Lagos, Nigeria: "FinArch absolutely represents the logical choice for our customers. That the largest bank and pacesetter in the financial industry in Nigeria, First Bank Pic, chooses FinArch's Financial Studio Accounting for IFRS is a further testimony to FinArch's Number 1 rating in Risk and Finance Integration by Chartis Research."

The release adds, "This win strengthens BBTs position as one of the fastest growing Nigerian ICT solutions companies and FinArch as market leader for IFRS software. Together creating a synergetic 'tour de force' in the West African market."

I want to believe, but hey, what do I know.