Date published: January 1, 2012
Believe the Attack The Block director, bruv...
What is the most annoying animal?
Squirrels are very annoying. They're very persistent and they're cheeky - I don't like the way they look at you while they steal things. And they're disappointing as well. They look sweet but they're not very friendly.
How much is a pint of milk?
You know, I don't actually drink milk. I don't put milk on my cereal, I don't have tea or coffee. So my girlfriend goes and buys it I'm going to hazard a guess at 59p. But I only know that because I read other people saying it in your column. Basically the Pint Of Milk column is sort of like the NASDAQ or the FTSE. I believe the milk marketing board checks it every month to work out its international business standing.
Do people ever quote your lines back at you?
I get "Stephen!" shouted at me a lot. Or I did, anyway. It's happening a bit less now. And then, of course, I have to respond, "Just coming!", and if I don't it makes me seem surly and ungrateful. But I think listeners to the podcast know how I feel and maybe that I'm not particularly self-confident about shouting very loudly in crowds of strangers. So hopefully they understand if I just look nervous and run away. I get more Attack The Block lines in America really, because some of the phrases are quite exotic to Americans. They like to say, "Allow it!" in their best cod-English accents.
When did you last walk out of a movie?
Mmm, that's a controversial one. Well, I walked out of Australia. The movie, not the country - the country's more tolerable than the film. Sometimes if I'm seeing a film in the West End then The Cinema Store and HMV call my name while I'm watching it and If I think I can go out and actually buy something better than I'm watching, I'll nip out. And unfortunately that happened in Australia. But I usually go and buy the Blu-ray and then watch the bit I missed when I'm at home. That's slightly mad, isn't it? But that usually happens with films that are visually spectacular, because I want to see them on my home cinema set-up.
What would you do if you woke up and you were Bruce Willis?
I'd go and apologise to Kevin Smith. What else would I do? That's an Important question. I think he should do Die Hard 5, but I would get him to work on setting it in as small an environment as possible. I think what made the first ones good was the limited scope of the locations where they happened. So I would get him to London and get him on an Underground train. Or maybe get him Into a lift In the Post Office Tower. Or it could just happen in someone's downstairs toilet. Hans Gruber could come along and need to use it, and you just take it from there.
Are you on Twitter?
No. I've thought about it, but I can guarantee I would say something irresponsible and libellous so quickly that I would regret it.
What's your nickname?
Recently there's Cornballs. Then some insulting ones while I was at school - I won't share them as I don't want to perpetuate them - and some pathetic ones from my parents. I'd like to be referred to as Stretch. In fact, there was a homeless man in America I walked past who said, "Yo, Stretch!" That was one of the greatest moments of my life.
Do you have any phobias?
I feel uncomfortable around cellophane. It's not like it makes me feel ill, but for instance if I unwrap a DVD, I have to get it in the bin as quickly as possible. I don't like it to hang around because it tends to unfurl itself in an unsettling manner. There could be a J-horrorfilm based on that.
Can you dance?
No. When I dance it's like spinning a squid on top of a stick. My limbs are too long and they fly everywhere and hit people. There's generally just too much of me. When I'm at a wedding, though, I'll get out there and dance like a motherfucker. I sweat a lot, weirdly. If I dance for two minutes I'll look like I've run a marathon.
Van Damme or Seagal?
Are they coming to stay or something? Can I have neither?
Hove you got a tattoo?
No, I'm not a tattoo person. I don't have any tattoos. If I did, I'd have them on the inside. I don't really know what that means, but it sounds quite profound.
On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse?
Oh, the hairy arse question. It always makes me picture the celebrity's arse in some detail and I don't like that. My arse isn't hairy at all - I'm not hairy generally. I've got some hair in the chest area, but apart from other normal hairy areas - or 'haireas', as I believe they're called - there's not much. So it's a one or a two. Adam, on the other hand, is dangerously hairy. He sticks to things when he walks around. He has to be Hoovered by a vet every evening.
Attack The Block is out on DVD and Blu-ray now.