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Publication: The Stranger
Author: Humphrey, Wm Steven
Date published: January 4, 2012

YEAR OF THE DRY BONE

Welcome to 2012-and I've got another New Year's resolution all ready to add to your list. I think you need to do a better job of expressing affection-primarily toward me. This can be accomplished in a number of ways: (1) Erotic poetry and/or fan fi ction. Send me more erotic poetry, or if you have trouble rhyming, simply write some lengthy erotic fan fi ction involving me dry-boning a historical character. Here's a sample from my erotic fan fi ction novel entitled Got a Hankerin' for Ben Frank-er-lin:

"Ben Franklin felt lonely as he stepped out of the shower. Rubbing the rough towel over his moist naked body, he was struck by the realization he hadn't felt the soft caressing touch of a lover since that cold, cold winter he dry-boned Betsy Ross. Suddenly the bathroom door fl ew open. It was Wm.(TM) Steven Humphrey dressed as a British Redcoat! 'Ha-haaa!' Humphrey noisily purred, his bulging groin pulsating with sexual intent. 'Methinks a certain founding father is in need of a patriotic dry boning!'"

(Author's note: I'm not sure why I think the term "dry boning" is sexy.)

Anyway! Where were we oh! Your lack of affection, and how I could profi t from more of it. (2) One can also express affection by doing "little things" that make me happy. Such as paying my rent for a year. Um DO YOU LOVE ME OR NOT?!? See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! How am I supposed to continue this relationship when you steadfastly refuse to feed me emotionally? (And monetarily! And physically! With sandwiches!) Sure, the dry-boning is great but when are you going to start dry-boning my soul?

All right. It's obvious you need to grow some emotional growth. So while you're focusing on that, I'm going to check out a few new TV shows. Such as

The Firm (NBC, Sun Jan 8, 9 pm): Based on the John Grisham thriller-later made into a fl ick starring Tom Cruise-the action takes place 10 years after lead character Mitch McDeere and his wife go into witness protection. Unfortunately, Tricia Helfer (Number Six from BSG) is now in charge of the law fi rm and wants McDeere McDEAD. (Sounds like he could use a boost in the "affection department" as well.)

Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC, Wed Jan 11, 8:30 pm): Based on the disposable coffee-table book Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by not-so-attractive talk-show host Chelsea Handler, this sitcom stars the sort of impossibly hot That '70s Show alum Laura Prepon as a young Chelsea Handler, while the real Chelsea Handler stars as young Chelsea Handler's pregnant older sister. This sounds like erotic fan fi ction I don't want to read.

House of Lies (Showtime, Sun Jan 8, 10 pm): Based on yet ANOTHER book (this time by Martin Kihn), Don Cheadle (EEEE!), Kristen Bell (EEEE!), and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein from Parks and Recreation (EEEE?) make up a high-voltage management-consultant fi rm that makes big money selling top companies a load of poop. This show looks dark, hilarious, and defi nitely dryboneable. (RESOLUTION FOR 2012: I swear I will never use that term again.)

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