Author: Humphrey, Wm Steven
Date published: February 15, 2012
I (LOVE) TELEVISION(TM)
STOP DOING THAT!!
If you're currently doing something... stop doing it. I need to tell you something very important-and I need your full attention. Are you currently giving CPR to your mother? Stop doing that. What I have to say is that important. Are you just about to bang Mila Kunis and her previously unheard-of twin sister? Stop doing that. I need to tell you something important.
Okay, now that I have your attention, here's what I have to say: If you plan on doing ANYTHING this Sunday, don't do that. There are simply too many amazing things happening on television this Sunday to warrant doing anything else- and this includes, but is not limited to: Rescuing a kitten from a burning building. (Important... but not important enough.) Saying goodbye to your boyfriend who's going to study in Europe for a year. (There's no point... in his mind, he's already porking a cigarette-smoking, beret-wearing French girl who rides around on a bicycle carrying a baguette.) Eating any food, drinking any liquid, or inhaling oxygen or anything else into your lungs. (Only exceptions: pizza rolls, bourbon, nitrous oxide.)
So what are these amazing TV things on Sunday night that are going to stop you from telling Kanye West you'd be happy to go on tour with him? Oh, just the following:
* The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9 pm): While I'm loath to recommend ANY show featuring that walking piece of toupeed feces Donald Trump, I have to admit that this year's lineup of washed-up celebs is fairly awwwwwesome. For example! American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken? (Ka- BOING!) TV's Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno? (WHAAAA??) '80s pop darling Debbie Mothereffi ng Gibson? (SQUEEEEEE!) Whoop-whoop former talk show host Arsenio Hall? (WHOOP! WHOOP!) And... hold on... Star Trek's Sulu and most awesome gay dude alive, George Takei?? (I don't have a sound effect worthy of this man-so I'm making one up. MALABALAFALAPAPA!!!)
* The Walking Dead (AMC, 9 pm): While last season lacked the desired number of zombie decapitations, tonight's episode pits Rick, Glenn, and Hershel against a mob of brain-hungry undead. (Zombie Decapitation Pro Tip: Always stretch out fi rst-swinging a shovel can strain the lower back.)
* Eastbound & Down (HBO, 10 pm): Failed baseball star Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) returns for a third season of hillbill-arious shenanigans. After his exile in Mexico, Kenny lands a pitching gig in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-a perfect place for him to ride his Confederate fl ag boogie board.
* Life's Too Short (HBO, 10:30 pm): Here's that new Ricky Gervais mockumentary starring Warwick Davis-the little person from Willow (AWWWWW!)-who plays a fi ctionalized version of himself experiencing the day-to-day woes of being a dwarf actor in Hollywood. (Which is still better than being either Lindsay Lohan or Kim Kardashian, right?)
* My Strange Addiction (TLC, 10:30 pm): And fi nally, what better way to end the best Sunday night ever than with the stone-cold freaks of My Strange Addiction? On tonight's double-header, people who are addicted to (a) cleaning out their ears, (b) eating cellophane tape, and (c) drinking fi ngernail polish. DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO??? (If it's Sunday night, I guess not!)