Author: Humphrey, Wm Steven
Date published: March 28, 2012
DEAR JEFF FOXWORTHY Dear Jeff Foxworthy:
Wm.(TM) Steven Humpy here-who I'm sure you're already very familiar with. I, of course, know you as the creator of the "You know you're a redneck..." line of not-veryfunny jokes, the host of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, and as the early-'90s equivalent to Larry the Cable Guy. HOWEVER! I heard through the TV grapevine that you've been cast in a new gig-as the host of a Game Show Network quiz show called The American Bible Challenge (just starting production). WHOOPTY-WHOOP PLAYA, WHAAAAA???
According to the GSN press release, contestants will be quizzed on their knowledge of the Bible while "playing for a worthy faith-based organization." Naturally that last part is terrifying, because the goals of most "faith-based organizations" revolve around making life absolutely unbearable for those who don't share their faith- BUT I DIGRESS. In the same press release, you also said, "[This show is] an opportunity to present the Bible in a fun and entertaining way."
Jeff Foxworthy? YOUR NEW BIBLE QUIZ SHOW IS STUPID AND DESTINED FOR FAILURE. Why? Because it's boring as shit, and will only appeal to the "self-satisfi ed, judgmental Christian" demographic. (Of which there are actually fewer than one might expect. The total number of actual Bible-thumping, ruin-your-life Christians in America is like my penis: loud-but small.)
HOWEVER! Since all I care about is good TV, I'm happy to offer a few FANFREAKING- TASTIC ideas to make this stinker of a show more watchable. TO WIT:
IDEA 1! When a contestant answers incorrectly, he/she falls through a trapdoor into an actual lake of fi re. IDEA 2! The show's announcer dresses up like Jesus and sits there loudly chuckling at all of your (Jeff's) jokes. IDEA 3! Add a category called "Justify That Bible Quote" in which the contestant has to explain away an obviously immoral Bible verse. For example: "Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock." (Psalm 137:9) That's fawked up, yo. IDEA 4! You (Jeff) should wear a devil costume, and whenever a contestant answers correctly, you yell, "CURSES! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN MY HOUSE!" IDEA 5! The second-place winner is stuck in Purgatory (i.e., forced to live in an onstage cage with all the past second-place losers until the show is eventually canceled. Shouldn't take more than six weeks.) IDEA 6! The winner is lifted via cherry picker (disguised as a "cloud") up to "heaven" where someone dressed as "God" shakes the victor's hand and creepily gropes them as the credits roll. (Either that, or they can be thrown to the lions. For Christians, "martyrdom" equals "winning.") IDEA 7! The audience should be composed entirely of gays and atheists, who will mercilessly heckle you and the contestants until everyone bursts into tears.
Jeff Foxworthy! While I don't actively wish for anyone to fail (that is, of course, a blatant lie), if you do not use my fanfreaking- tastic suggestions, there's no way this stupid show is gonna fl y. Or as God so aptly put it, "I don't even exist, and this is the stupidest idea I've ever heard."
Wm.(TM) Steven Hump-Me